“You loved and trusted Him in your strength, now learn to do so in your weakness. Because we cannot conquer this life on our own, He has made Himself known, and He is calling you again. Will you not answer? Will you not return to your first love? What has lured you away from Christ? Is it still with you, or has it left you in the dark. Christ is searching for His lost sheep, He cares for every one of you, and He will not rest until you are safe again. So cry out into the dark, so that He may know where to find you again, and return you home. Salvation can be found in the outstretching of a hand, looking for the grip of a King; and He is eager to hold that hand once more, He is eager to find His most beloved. So return again, and again, until you are home; until the heart is full, and the tears have been wiped away; Return again, to the only Love that knows you by name.”
I've been in a slump for two years now. I've hated myself for two years now. My head, heart, shoulders, and soul hurt with the weight of what I've been carrying around for too long. And don't tell me "give it to God" because I've been trying. I've asked and begged to not be under all of the weight of the awful things I've done, but I never feel any relief and that leads me to believe I don't deserve relief. I desire a heart like God's, but how can I even begin with all of this baggage?
It’s funny that you bring this up, Anon, because I’ve been struggling with guilt from past mistakes the past few days. But I’m going to share you with you a letter I received quite some time ago and I try to always go back to it whenever I find myself in this place. It’s honest and gritty and tough to hear, only because it’s the truth, for the one who sent it to me knows me better than anyone else.
Dear Kati Rae,
My love, who have you turned in to? You’ve been acting like a whore, parading yourself around, looking to anyone for the least bit of attention. You’ve completely changed who you are, for you become whoever it is they want you to be. You’re shaking your tin like a pathetic beggar, ‘see me! notice me! look at me!’ Do you take the time to look at yourself? I know it’s hard to see, but just take a step back and look at the big picture of this. You were created for so much more than this.
Have you even taken the time to look at the way these men are treating you? They make you walk home alone in the rain, while sleeping it off in their nice comfy bed. They don’t even respect you enough to close the door to piss while you’re in the room! My love, you deserve so much better. It hurts me to see you like this. Without the jewelry, the expensive meals, and exotic trips, do you have anything that will last with these guys? What do you think will happen when they see the next beautiful, young, girl? When one leaves are you just going to constantly be on the search for another? Guy after guy after guy, when will it end? When will you see that there is so much more than this? You’re worth so much more than this.
You’re my ruby, a precious jewel that should be protected and cherished. You deserve to be loved and adored. You deserve to reach your full potential, to have your dreams come true- and even more! You, my ruby, deserve immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine.
I know you’re in pain. I know you’re secretly dying inside with every night in his bedroom, you hate having to go through this. You hate the way his hands grope you and you hate his heavy breathing. It’s something that haunts you in your dreams and when you’re alone. My love, I can see the emptiness in your eyes. I know you’re searching and you’re desperate. But I’m here. I see you and I know you. I’m not going anywhere.
So I think it’s time. My darling, I’ve forgiven you so it’s time for me to rescue you. Let’s go back to the beginning. It will be hard, it will be uncomfortable, and painful. You may hate me. You may curse me and shake your fists because the place I must take you is a dry and desolate land. A land of quiet. But, it will be there that you can hear my soft and tender whispers. You won’t have any distractions; you can let me allure you and love you gently. I’ll give you sunrises and mountains. I’ll rain down showers on you and let the smell of pines fill your lungs. Fear not, beloved, we have nothing but time.
I’ll turn your heartbreak into hope; your mourning into dancing; your weeping into laughing. It may be a long process of healing, but healing is something to be pursued, and beloved, it’s certainly calling out for you. All you have to do is receive it, like when you were a little girl. You’re not worthless; you’re worthy. You’re not abandoned; you’re mine. You’re not unlovable; you’re my beloved. I hope to marry you forever; to be with you forever. I want to wake up next to you every morning and fall asleep to you every night. I want Sunday brunches, Saturday nights, and all the mornings in between. I want to be your future and your past. I want to be yours, if you’ll accept the offer to be mine.
Your beloved, Jesus
Be loved, anon. Have hope. Be honest; shake your fists. Get good and angry. Let him take you there to that desert. The path is scary and dark and it looks lonely, but it’s so good. Let him woo you and love you. Let him speak to you tenderly without any distractions. Be loved. In the meantime, tell someone where you’re at. People want to fight for you because you’re worth it.
ok so this made me emotional this morning and I just had to post.